Ah, good ol' masturbation...

[Editors' Note: AskTheCollegeGuy.com recently commissioned a scientific study which showed that 96% of all college-aged males admit to masturbating; the study concluded that the remaining 4% are liars.]

Whether you are Zashir the Tanzanian goat herder, Pee Wee Herman, or that guy from Nantucket that we've all heard so much about, masturbation is the silent bond that ties all post-pubescent males together. However, we haven't dubbed it the SILENT bond for nothing. While it is true that all men spank the monkey, toot their own horn, or stroke the hairless weasel, it is still often considered a taboo topic for open dialogue -- especially with someone you've just met.

Even if your new roommate is the kind of guy who is comfortable discussing waving the wand of wonder, just imagine this scenario... You've just finished watching re-runs of old Star Trek episodes and now you're ready to retire to your bed for a little self-induced Vulcan lovin'. You strip down, climb up to your top bunk and are ready to lead your purple-helmet warrior into battle. But wait, your roommate is right below you trying to catch some Z's before his big Bio test in the morning. No problem, you just lean over and say, "Hey Tom, I'm about to begin diagnostic testing on my heat-seeking moisture missile, so if the bed starts to shake or your hear any moaning, groaning, crying, or shouting of the names Shakira, Britney, or the Virgin Mary, don't worry it's just me working the stick-shift, slapping the salami, petting the one-eyed monster... so you can just go back to sleep."

Well, gee, Tom is sure to ace that Bio test now! And you'd better believe every one of his stories the next day is going to start with, "Last night, my frickin' roommate.... "

So to all of you would-be public-whackers, when the time comes to sharpen the spear, you might want to do it behind a locked door - when you know your roommate isn't around. Additionally, the shower, a toilet stall, or even the library on a Friday night might provide more of a private setting with less risk of disturbing/offending your roommate. But for those of you who can only get in the mood while snugly tucked in bed, you'd better learn how to be as quiet as a new fish in prison... cause while guys all know what goes on, nobody wants to know while it's going on.

-- The College Guy

P.S. This is a note to any librarians, campus administrators, or overachieving workaholic students who spend Friday nights in the library: Don't worry, we weren't really encouraging public indecency or a pocket-rocket library lift-off.