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What up College Guy, my question is... what should i do if i have a grudge against the school mascot. Its not that i dont like him for no apparent reason but everytime i see that damn eagle he does something dumb like taps me on the shoulder from behind then walks ahead when i turn around like he didnt do anything. Should i fight him or what?
-- Why won't he leave me alone?!, Georgia Southern University
Are you in a room with padded walls right now? Just wondering. Anyway, we've got some bad news for you. At the risk of getting ourselves in legal trouble (like that school teacher who was sued for telling her 6-year-old students there's no such thing as Santa Clause), we're going to hit you with some shocking news. We realize this may be a preposterous suggestion, but what if, just WHAT IF your mascot isn't a real eagle? We know this might defy all logic, but what if it's actually just another student dressed up in an eagle costume? Further, it might not always be the same student. Further, it might even be, gulp, a girl in there!
Before you fight him, you might want to ask yourself a couple questions:
- What if it's not a "him" at all? Despite what you may think, it doesn't require testicles or hairy legs to wear an eagle costume.
- What if you fight "him" and lose? We can't think of many more embarassing things than getting your ass kicked by Big Bird.
- And speaking of embarassing, are you really going to be proud of yourself if you beat the crap out of your school's mascot? Just remember, Randall Simon was the laughing-stock of Major League Baseball after his attack on the Italian Sausage during a human sausage race at Miller Park in Milwaukee a couple years ago.
[Editors' Note: For those that didn't hear about this, Simon was lucky to escape criminal charges, but was cited and fined for disorderly conduct, for smacking the lifesize sausage with a baseball bat. And yes, it did in fact turn out to be a girl inside the sausage costume.]
-- The College Guy
P.S. Normally we never divulge e-mail addresses or any other personal contact information to anyone, for any reason. However, this guy freaks us out a little bit, so if we end up seeing an Amber Alert issued for a missing giant, stuffed eagle in the Southeast region of the United States, we're selling this guy down the river and turning his contact info directly over to the FBI.
P.P.S. If the Georgia Southern Eagle happens to be reading this column.... please, be careful!
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